My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Randomize
