Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
sarcasm needs its own font
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
Randomize
