if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
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