Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
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