took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
Randomize
