It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
Randomize
