I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
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