WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
You get 5 min
Your time limits don't scare me, I'll include foreplay and redressing in that 5 min. If you wanted to challenge me you should say you got an hour, id be scared then and more creative.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
Randomize
