I faked an abortion last night.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
