I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Randomize