My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
sorry for the late response. was in jail for 6 months.
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
