What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
I would reevaluate a bf who is happy with other guys doing me.
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
Randomize
