Are u religion class? I'm on my way, I have cum in my hair. tell u later.
The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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