some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
im so glad i don't have to work tomorrow. I'm spendin all night on the new call of duty.
Wow. That's the gayest thing you ever said.
Look man i'm staying in playing videogames and growing a beard. Its not like i'm trying to get a girlfriend.
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
