her vagina looked like bernie madoff
my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
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