I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
Everything about him screamed your future.
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
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