you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
Someone in my class is wearing shirt and on the back it says...National Bible Quiz Finalist 2006. Do you really expect me to find a guy here
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
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