So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
So not only did team sweden fail to particpate in any drinking game but i also found puke in my viking helmet this morning.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
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