Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Randomize
