Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
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