Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
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