when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
Randomize
