I can text with my tongue
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
Randomize
