I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
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