I wish they made helmets for livers.
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
