I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
Randomize
