I think I won the penis lottery.
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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