Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
Randomize
