Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
Can you repeat that, but with context?
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Randomize
