You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Randomize
