you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
Randomize
