and next time when you feel me up, do it right
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Randomize
