he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
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