just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
Randomize
