Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
THE HALLOWEEN QUEST WILL BE PICS OF US IN OUR COSTUMES IN EXCHANGE FOR DICK PICS. IT HAS BEEN DECIDED.
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
Randomize
