i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
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