I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
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