i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
You're earring is so big in my mouth
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Randomize
