Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
Randomize
