My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
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