He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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