I haven't been this sober since birth.
Cumbucket.....OH MY GOD THAT COMES UP AUTOMATICALLY NOW!!
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Randomize
