I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
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