last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
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