never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
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