I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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