my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
My overnight senior got drunk and hooked up with Kaylee on Sunday. I checked Facebook and he already put down his deposit for next year. This school should pay me a commission.
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
ok first of all what the fuck
Randomize
