Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
The best walk of shames are on the highway
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