You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
I just realize today that I've dated three guys this year with their own blog. Ugh that's embarrassing.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
