I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
These 23 People Had The Most Insane Spring Breaks Ever
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
25 Women On How They Let Their Oblivious Partners Know They Want To Bone
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
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