Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
Are my feet made of real feet?
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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