please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
Randomize
