Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
Randomize
