I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
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i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
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that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
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